Beer good.

(517): There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

(502): Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn’t mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

(406): You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior

(207): If this outfit doesn’t get me pregnant tonight I don’t know what will…

(+44): I dunno. It’s not as good as ‘devourer of cocks’ but I suppose few things are.

(269): All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

(585): if by “adventure” you actually mean “getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs,” then yes.

(603): Is it penis luge time yet?

(303): He said he was going to “rock my world”. I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.

(513): Ok just don’t go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can’t take that.